


Would I Lie to You (About a Thing Like This)?

by implicated2



Category: British Comedian RPF, Would I Lie To You? RPF
Genre: Homophobia, Humor, Indeterminacy, M/M, Meta, Screenplay/Script Format, Thumb Wrestling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-28
Updated: 2012-04-28
Packaged: 2017-11-04 11:37:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/393402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/implicated2/pseuds/implicated2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lee's card reads, <em>Early in series one, I committed an indiscretion with David Mitchell.</em> Truth or lie? And in fiction, what's the difference? Also, Rob's homophobia gets a well-deserved smackdown.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Would I Lie to You (About a Thing Like This)?

**Author's Note:**

> Personages taken from Series 4, Episode 2, which is a fine place to start if you're new to the show. Msg me if you'd like a link.

_We are in the last round of an episode of_ Would I Lie to You?,  _Quick-Fire Lies. On David's team tonight are Ruth Jones and Peter Serafinowicz. On Lee's team, we have Jack Dee and Jason Manford._

 

ROB

Next up, Lee.

 

LEE

_[Takes out card and reads aloud]_ Early in series one, I committed an indiscretion with David Mitchell.

 

_Audience laughter_

 

LEE

Hold on, hold on, let me finish: Early in series one, I committed an indiscretion with David Mitchell after losing a bet.

 

_There is a moment of laughter, and then, almost all at once, the panelists and the audience seem to realize that the statement might be true. A curious hush falls._

 

ROB

Lee claims he committed an indiscretion with David Mitchell after losing a bet. David's team, what do you think of this unlikely story?

 

RUTH

Now, when you say 'indiscretion,' is this a minor sort of thing like littering, or is it actually a sexual indiscretion?

 

LEE

_(sarcastically)_ Right, David and I had a wild night where we threw a bit of rubbish on the ground. Yes, of course I mean a sexual indiscretion.

 

PETER

Wait, David, don't you already know whether this is true?

 

DAVID

_(abashedly)_ Well, yes. But I want to hear what Lee has to say about it.

 

_Laughter_

 

PETER

Walk us through what happened here, please.

 

LEE

It was after taping, we went for a drink, things got a bit heated, we went back to his place... _[hand gesture signifying some kind of continuation]_

 

DAVID

_(supplying)_ Indiscretion.

 

LEE

Right.

 

RUTH

And there was a bet?

 

LEE

_(smiling smugly)_ Yes.

 

RUTH

What was the bet?

 

LEE

It was... _[searching]_ thumb wrestling.

 

_Laughter all around_

 

PETER

You thumb wrestled David?

 

LEE

Yes, I did.

 

PETER

Just once or best of three?

 

LEE

It was best of three. David won two in a row.

 

PETER

What would have happened if you'd won?

 

LEE

We'd have gone to my place.

 

_Laughter_

 

ROB

_[looks uncomfortable]_

 

PETER

How did you establish that you were both interested?

 

LEE

Look, I've always been rather attracted to David. Most of the time, I play it cool, but I'd had a few drinks, and I said, hey, do you want to go in the back – there was a kind of private area – and... can I say this on the show?

 

ROB

_(quickly and empathically)_ No.

 

_Both David and Lee give Rob sharp looks._

 

RUTH

So you confess your feelings, you offer David this... proposition... and David says no, but if you thumb wrestle with me, we can go back to one of ours?

 

LEE

Essentially that's it, yeah.

 

PETER

Where was this?

 

LEE

At David's place.

 

PETER

Before that. Where did you go for a drink?

 

LEE

Oh, a place called the Cock and Thistle. _[Audience laughter]_ That's its name.

 

RUTH

What did you drink?

 

JASON

_(cutting in)_ Cocktails!

 

_Polite applause, laughter_

 

PETER

What's David's place like?

 

LEE

It's a flat. Bit messy, whitish walls. Big bed, kind of a brass headboard. _[grins]_

 

RUTH

Is David covering his face? I think David's covering his face.

 

DAVID

_[looks up from where he's holding a hand over his face]_ Well, yes, I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable just now.

 

ROB

So are we all, David, so are we all.

 

_David and Lee shoot Rob looks of disgust._

 

RUTH

What happened afterward? Did you stay the night?

 

LEE

Yeah, I stayed the night.

 

RUTH

And what happened the next morning?

 

LEE

I left.

 

DAVID

_(perking up)_ Yes, walk us through that, please, Lee.

 

LEE

Ok. I got up, put my clothes back on, went out into the kitchen, there you are with a pot of tea, David, we had some tea, said our goodbyes, that was it.

 

PETER

_(looking back and forth between David and Lee)_ And was that... weird?

 

LEE

Well, _he_ thought it was.

 

DAVID

And you didn't?

 

LEE

I'm sitting there, sipping my tea, head's still a bit funny, and David goes, “Well, this is awkward.” And I'm thinking, _well, yeah, now it is._

 

DAVID

What, you think I made things weird by saying _this is awkward_? You know, generally when someone says “this is” followed by an adjective, that adjective _describes_ the situation, it doesn't _make it so_.

 

LEE

_(with exaggerated patience)_ What was so awkward about it, David?

 

DAVID

_(getting excited/flustered)_ You don't think that when two people share a... _[searching gestures]_ an indiscretion... and the next morning one of them won't  _ look the other in the eye, _ it's a bit awkward?

 

LEE

_I_ wouldn't look at _you_? All right, this is David. _[Looks down at table and to his left.]_ Like some tea? _[Mimes pouring tea into a cup, then hands the cup to Jason next to him, still looking to the other side.] (Now imitating David)_ 'Well, this is awkward.'

 

_Applause_

 

PETER

I think this just lost any pretense of being made up.

 

_Laughter_

 

RUTH

So David says “this is awkward,” you say, “no it's not,” and then, what, you thumb wrestle for who's right?

 

_Applause. Laughter_

 

LEE

No, David made it pretty clear he wanted me to piss off, so I pissed off.

 

DAVID

I didn't... _[gestures vigorously, then curls up his lip as if piecing things together]_ Is _that_ why you practically flee in terror every time you see me outside of this room?

 

LEE

_[holds up hands, protesting, mocking]_ David, David. I believe that's called _giving you space_.

 

DAVID

_(curling back lip again)_ I don't particularly _want_ space.

 

LEE

Well, if you'd rather a drink at the Cock and Thistle again, I'm in.

 

DAVID

_(stiffly)_ We'll talk, Lee.

 

_Thunderous applause and “aww” sounds all around_

 

DAVID

_(curling lip in distaste)_ Oh, don't get all maudlin, for all you know, he's lying—that's how this game _works_.

 

ROB

So, David's team, are you moving toward an answer?

 

PETER

You know, I believe almost everything about this story, except that David would win at thumb wrestling.

 

LEE

No, you see, he's actually quite good with his hands.

 

_Scandalized laughter_

 

DAVID

You flatter me, Lee.

 

LEE

_[cheeky grin]_

 

PETER

Well, let's see it then. _[Audience laughter]_ The thumb wrestling, people, the thumb wrestling.

 

LEE

Right.

 

_Lee stands up, strides over to David, right hand out. After a moment's hesitation, David reaches out his own arm and the two stare at each other intently, then clasp hands._

 

LEE

_(to David)_ On three?

 

DAVID

All right.

 

DAVID AND LEE

_(in unison, to each other)_ One, two, three!

 

_The camera cuts to David and Lee's right hands. They spar for a few moments until David's thumb traps Lee's. Panelists and audience applaud. David looks pleased with himself. Rob gazes down at his podium, shaking his head. Lee extricates his hand and goes back to his seat._

 

PETER

True, all true! That was the most erotic thumb wrestling I've ever seen.

 

ROB

_[shudders ostentatiously]_

 

DAVID

Can I just point out that Rob is quite literally squirming in his seat right now? Of all the things that have happened on this show tonight – Jason admits to manipulating his mother with a truly reprehensible set of falsehoods, Ruth here maimed a squirrel in an incredibly unlikely boot-throwing incident – that's all well and good, but let two men _touch hands_ who may or may not have had one sexual liason in the past, and it's “oh, god, oh god, don't give us details.” _(Getting really worked up now)_ Do you honestly think the two of us are that sexually repulsive? Or are you just so terrified of the prospect of two men being attracted to one another that you're left with no recourse but to sit there and cower in your chair?

 

_Panelists and audience applaud_

 

ROB

_[mugs inanely for the camera]_

 

LEE

Rob, it's a bit pathetic, mate.

 

_Lingering applause_

 

ROB

_(subdued)_ So what are you thinking, David's team? Is this story true, or is it a lie?

 

DAVID

Well, I have to abstain.

 

LEE

_(in faux sultry voice)_ That's not what he said that night.

 

DAVID

Don't push it, Lee.

 

_Audience laughs_

 

ROB

Ruth and Peter, what do you think?

 

RUTH

I really want it to be true.

 

PETER

I'm telling you, there's chemistry there.

 

RUTH

So are we saying true?

 

PETER

_(to Rob)_ We think it's true.

 

ROB

David's team says true. Lee, will you please reveal your answer?

 

LEE

It is... _[presses button]_

 

_Well, what do you think? Truth? Or lie?_

 


End file.
